Dear Gay Bar Patrons,
If I don’t let you by me a drink… That means I’m not interested.
Thanks.
Friend: So, are you being a man-whore?
Me: um, that’s not really my thing.
Friend: Not even just a “make-out” man-whore?
Me: That’s a thing?
Friend: Sure.
Me: But if you’re making out, isn’t there an expectation of….
Friend: …pants coming off?
Me: Well, yeah.
Friend: Maybe. But, you can just make out. It’s allowed.
Me: I could get on board with that.
I just closed my third off-Broadway show which was a NYTIMES critics pick. That’s something to be proud of, I think. The picture above is of me in my costume for the show backstage.
Closing night is always the most exciting for me. That’s not to say that I am always happy when a show is over. On the contrary, I’m usually sad when a show is over and this show was no exception. I think closing night is the most exciting because it is the last time this specific group of people will be creating this director’s specific vision with these specific designers on this particular play. It’s the last night of this tiny bit of magic that will never live and breath again in any other place and time. That is something special.
With a closing performance also comes the inevitable question:
“What’s Next?”
In this case I have no idea. Of course I’ve been pounding the pavement and trying to get things moving for myself. I’m still looking for an agent and I still have yet to meet with several casting directors. But, progress is progress and I am making some little by little every day.
I think I’m growing too.
Adjusting to single life has not been easy. I have relapsed several times into a “I will never find someone else like my ex” kind of thinking. Then I go back and forth on why that is a good thing and why that is a bad thing. I know I’m not the only person out there to go through these feelings and that much of this is par for the course. But, it doesn’t make any of it easier.
The main struggle has been to take care of myself and not continue down a path of self destruction. Which, I am happy to say, has been going very well. Change is good and has had the effect of new outcomes in my life in dramatic and subtle ways.
First of all, I’ve been getting healthier by making better life choices. Eating better and exercising has been a mood changer in a very positive way. The bonus effect is that my self confidence has grown. Huzzah.
Secondly, in a fit of, what some may call, insanity, I have decided not to go back to my old day-job. It was too much. When I do something I throw my entire self into it. I can’t do things that I’m not passionate about or things that I can’t stand doing. There must be some appeal other than financial. So, I’m taking the bold move for now to not have a day-job and allow myself to hustle and try to find the next gig. This has opened me up to new possibilities and greatly improved my stress level. I feel, in many ways, like a new person.
So, I’ll make money… at some point.
The financial side of this equation can be scary. However, I’m also feeling a freedom. There is a power in making your own bold choices…
… a small bit of magic that I’ve newly found.
I guess we’ll see how I’m feeling next week.
PS-I’ve started a twitter account. Please follow me @AnonymousActNYC
Sometimes I don’t make the best choices. When asked if I want the red pill or the blue pill…. I’ll ask for both.
I’ve found myself rather listless recently. This always leads to bad decisions.
Friday night was a blurry mist of some family, some friends, some strangers, well vodka, and four different bars. It was shameful in many ways, even if there were a few good moments. Saturday was not a good day.
I had drinks with a guy I met recently tonight. It wasn’t a “date”. We just wanted to get to know each other a little better over a few drinks. He is certainly a nice enough guy. He’s cute, sweet, and very funny. I found myself imagining how I would fit into his life as we talked. Then other things started popping out a little more clearly as he spoke…. he’s a drug addict, he was a former (possibly current) go-go boy, he was a former and somewhat current believer in demons and numerology… etc, etc, etc.
This gave me pause.
As one could imagine.
But what really gave me pause was my willingness to see where I could fit into HIS life. I think I look at everyone that way when I meet a potential mate. Instead of wondering how another person could fit into my life and if we could fit in each others lives. This may seem elementary to most people, but this was a big discovery for me.
“How am I not myself?”, a great question I often ask myself. These actions over the last few weeks are the actions of a person who is missing something in his life. I am clearly missing something. I’ve been feeling that for a while now. This situation is not something I need to fix right now, even though that’s precisely what I’ve been trying to do. It’s not a position that needs to be filled by another person, or an emotion that needs to be studied at length and understood. It’s just a hole, maybe a little larger than I initially thought, that is going to take some time to heal.
I can’t fuck anyone to make this feeling go away.
A new person is not going to change it.
A new situation won’t enlighten it.
Any outward search for something tangible is an exercise in futility.
This is an inner path that I need to take on my own.
This is the first Valentine’s Day I have been on my own in 8 years. It’s an arbitrary day that has not had a lot of meaning in my life. There are only two ACTUAL Valentine’s Days that have any meaning to me: 1993, my first with a girlfriend, and 2007, my first with a boyfriend. Interesting, I just put that together as I was writing.
So…
This Valentines Day is for me. As difficult as that may be.
Today I celebrate my new awareness, my limitless possibilities, my recognition of bad choices, and my ability to forgive myself for them.
Happy Valentine’s Day Tumblr.
I realized the other day, for the first time really, that I’m no longer a new New Yorker. I’m “living the dream”, ha ha, as they say. It’s a good feeling to have. It’s also a good reminder that no matter what I achieve, I will always be driven to do more. This is a good drive to have, as long as I am also able to keep perspective on what has been achieved.
I started rehearsals yesterday for my next show and I have to say that it is as exciting as ever to be going to work on a gig in NYC. I hope that feeling never changes.
I still appreciate looking up and seeing the Empire State Building, or the Chrysler Building.
I still enjoy the subway.
My heart still breaks at the poverty and homelessness.
The one thing I have always feared and I think is a real danger for anyone, especially in New York, is being “over” anything in life. Losing your appreciation for something or someone is not only cynical but leads to a very numbly lived life. This loss is a sign of not living in the present. As nice as it is to feel a non “New” Yorker, there are many feelings of mine that will never change, and for that I am also grateful.
I have had many lives.
I’m not referring to reincarnation. Although, whose to say about that, really?
I’m writing about the number of parts we play in our lives.
Shakespeare wrote about the “Seven Ages” of man in AS YOU LIKE IT. If Shakespeare had written in a more complex time, would there have been more than seven?
I have lived in over 10 different cities, not including the years on the road in touring productions of Shakespeare in the West and South and A Christmas Carol in the Midwest and the East. This transient lifestyle has given me a reputation with my friends, prompting one of my oldest friends to buy a new address book altogether due the number of post-it notes that had overtaken his old one in a valiant effort to keep track of me. (I think he has since given up.)
In some ways living this way has made me a better actor. I’m forced to evolve into any situation I’m in, or else go crazy. I listen and I take a situation in, at which point I react. The essence of acting.
My adaptive nature has also had it’s negative side. Some lives that I have lived are very different from the others. I was seemingly a different person altogether when you compare certain periods of my life to others.
The most interesting and memorable parts of my life, though, have always been the transitions from one life to the next. I truly think the most alive a person can be is when they are letting go of something old and embracing something new. When doing both at the same time, I find that everything in life sparkles and is more heightened. I see more.
Each of these transitions have been scary and many have been risky. However, looking back, each one has been a gift that has lead me to a new and exciting part of my life.
I’m in the midst of a transition now. This one is different. I hadn’t been able to put my finger on why until recently. For the first time, I’m transitioning out of something without anything new to transition in to. It’s easy to feel lost without a new heading.
Last week I was in Florida. My 87 year old grandfather underwent triple bypass surgery. He came out very well, considering. In fact, he’s already up and walking around at intervals. While I was there, he ordered my mother, my aunt, and I to spend a day on the beach. We were not allowed to come and visit him. He wanted us to relax a bit, and truth be told, I think he wanted some time for himself. We all need that.
I walked down to the shoreline so that I could feel the cool water on my feet. As I looked out on the open horizon I thought about the past few months of my life. I thought about how fortunate I have been to have experienced life to such a rich degree. I thought about the number of beautiful people I had met. I admitted to myself that I am in love with someone who is not in love with me and I thought about how beautiful and depressing that thought was, all at once. I thought about how getting older happens when you aren’t even looking and how TIME strikes us all when we least expect it in the most surprising, slutty, shocking, shattering, and life-saving of ways. I thought about how life MOVES and how all we can do is stay present enough to keep up with it.
There is something very liberating when you stand on the edge of the shore and look out to a sea of endless possibilities. It’s a terrifying task, to be true. But, It’s also an exhilarating one.
Divesting herself of her golden shift, and so
Emerging white and exquisite; and I in amaze
See in the sky before me, a woman I did not know
I loved, but there she goes, and her beauty hurts my heart;
I follow her down the night, begging her not to depart.
