Posts tagged: Hope
“Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky,
The flying cloud, the frosty light;
The year is dying in the night;
Ring out, wild bells, and let him die.
Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.
Ring out the grief that saps the mind,
For those that here we see no more,
Ring out the feud of rich and poor,
Ring in redress to all mankind.
Ring out a slowly dying cause,
And ancient forms of party strife;
Ring in the nobler modes of life,
With sweeter manners, purer laws.
Ring out the want, the care, the sin,
The faithless coldness of the times;
Ring out, ring out thy mournful rhymes,
But ring the fuller minstrel in.
Ring out false pride in place and blood,
The civic slander and the spite;
Ring in the love of truth and right,
Ring in the common love of good.
Ring out old shapes of foul disease,
Ring out the narrowing lust of gold;
Ring out the thousand wars of old,
Ring in the thousand years of peace. “
I guess we all know that the world didn’t come to an end. I never thought that it would. However, there are several people who did, people who believed it so strongly that they marched through Time Square with signs. I should know, I saw it. I remember thinking at the time how foolish these people were to believe in something so arbitrary as a random day being picked for it all to end at once. I remember thinking, “Do these people WANT the world to end so badly that they will believe it on faith?” .
In truth, it doesn’t take much to make any of us believe in the improbable.
As an actor, I decided to go into a business where the chances of my succeeding, at any level, were very small. Even so, I did my own march through Time Square, of sorts, declaring that I was an actor. This is a march I continue to do on a weekly basis even though I’m not on Broadway or even on a television show. I still march. Because I believe in something improbable. I believe I can continue to be an actor in this crazy business, despite the odds.
As a boyfriend, I can easily be coaxed into thinking that a certain set of instances might mean the end of a relationship. And, that a break-up would be the end of my world. My own personal judgment day. Of course, I would go on. Of course, I would be fine after a while. But, in the moment, and on a personable note, in this moment of my life…. I don’t want to move on without him. It does seem like it would be the end of something really good- possibly the best thing that has happened to to me. But, I digress…
There are other things I can believe in strongly as well. I can believe that no matter how many times I march through Times Square, my level of “success” rests only on my definition of the word. Sometimes just doing the march makes me feel successful. I can also believe that love will help me find my way out of any relationship foibles, that it is truly stronger than any barriers or boundaries, and that it will either save me from a bad situation or heal a wounded bond.
Both of the above ideas require faith, hope, and some suspension of relative tenets that seem to tout the opposites. So, either way, it’s not actually the end of the world unless I allow it to be.
But, I wonder sometimes, if it wouldn’t maybe make it all feel better if it was….
Has anyone noticed that it’s hot around here?
I mean, I’m glad the summer is here…. I really am.
The Tony Awards was the best broadcast in a long time. NPH truly is gifted- And he does magic, also a plus!
Mark Rylance deserved the win. I’ve seen the show three times and will probably go back again before it closes. Beautiful play -done very well.
I have got to get back on the auditioning train. It’s not been a priority for the past few months, although some things have been happening.
For instance, I did a REVELATION READING at Red Bull Theater Company. My friend Patrick Page, of Green Goblin fame, directed it and I got to be a part of a really cool night of theatre. I am very grateful to him for thinking of me and excited that I got to work with such a great cast. It was an inspiring evening.
I saw my friend be in a major studio film that came out this summer and talked with him while he found out that his HUGE ABC pilot was picked up for next season. It’s nice to be happy for a friend, but it can also be hard to look at how well he is doing. I haven’t really gone to an overly negative place about it… but it’s hard NOT to compare myself to him… and sometimes that makes my upward climb see pointless and futile. But, here I am, still plugging away, fool-hearted and hopeful as always. I’d rather than than a hard hardened cynic an day.
So, that’s the quick update.
It seems like everything worth having is a struggle and that the best part of it all is looking back and being able to say that you lived a good and full life in the process. So, I think I’ll try and do that along the way before the next chapter begins.
Sometimes the heat is too hard to take, but that doesn’t mean I’m getting out of the city… it just means I’m working through it.
I should start off by saying that I love my father. I am proud of my father. I have always needed his guidance and love. I’m not sure where I would be now without his ridiculously generous support.
None of those statements, of course, preclude me from also saying that he can be a source of stress in my life. That is one of the majors parts a parent must play. It’s my job to not let it get out of hand.
My father came out five years ago now. I am very proud of him. It was a long and stressful process that was not easy on any of us. I can’t imagine how difficult it was for him. He and my mother have been married for 38 years. I say “have been” because even though they are separated now, they are still, technically, married. They live separately and they are both much better off now then they were at this point 10 years ago.
Until recently my father has never spoken with me about being with anyone else. Although his Facebook page looks like he hangs out with mostly college age guys. I have met a few of them and they all seem very nice. Last week my father started speaking with me about a new “friend” of his. I inquired to see if they were more then friends and he said, “well, we enjoy spending time together”. This is a first step for my Dad.
Not long after that phone call I was greeted with a friend request on Facebook. It was my dads new friend, a 24 year old body-hairless Abercrombie model lookalike.
I would have thought it was a spam-bot of some sort if there were not pictures of the two of them together.
Listen, I want my dad to be happy. But, I have to say that I am very nervous for him. I want to know this guys intentions. I don’t really know what the nature of the relationship is at this point and I honestly don’t care, as long as it’s equitable.
I know the reason parents cause stress. We all fear that we will one day become them. We see our parents in things we do and we see ourselves in them. I’m not saying that I think I will ever want to date a significantly younger man. I’m not even saying that wanting that is a bad thing. I think it is important to keep an open mind. I have often been surprised by people and situations.
I want to support my Dad and make sure he is taking care of himself, but I also want to protect him.
Wow, now I know what parents feel like.
Looking into a mirror, at any point, can be terrifying. It can also make you stronger.
“Time thou must untangle this, not I. Tis too hard a knot for me to untie”
- Olivia from Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare
One year ago this week I had my New York City showcase for agents and casting directors and I took my first step toward moving here in a serious way. I was hoping to meet with at least one person, maybe have a few nibbles, even if nothing came of it…. something. But the answer from NYC was simple, not now.
My showcase, which was fairly well attended, got me exactly nowhere. It was shocking, in fact. It was as if I hadn’t even been involved. This was very hard and, needless to say, I was crushed. It took a lot of work and self-soothing to not let it pull me down into a depression. I felt lost and angry and misguided. It was not a good time for me or my relationship with anyone else.
The Fall turned into winter and I held on to all of the positives as much as I could. I’m here…. I’m working it… I’m getting out there and starting from scratch. I’m taking classes and meeting agents through the networking organizations… I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m here with my boyfriend… we have a place to live and I have a decent job… we are both healthy… and we live in one of the coolest cities in the world.
… still it wasn’t easy, I wasn’t getting any traction and it was a hard winter.
The spring brought a little hope when I scored an equity showcase through some friends of mine. It was a bright beacon in very dark times that helped to pull me out of the late winter blues.
As the spring went on and turned to summer I started getting out more and working on connections. I continued meeting with agents and continued going to open calls… I didn’t find summer work for the first time in TEN years, and that was very difficult to swallow.
So, since nothing was working out, I thought I would take the summer off and enjoy having a summer. Of course, I was also working full time at the day-job and I was able to afford going out and doing some fun things. This was my first summer in NYC and I tried to take in everything it had to offer.
Toward the end of the summer, as I knew my boyfriend would be leaving to go back to grad school, I began to focus on getting things back on track and I started auditioning as much as I could. I was contacting everyone I knew and submitting for everything I might be right for. I also started this blog, which gave me a new kind of focus, as I’ve talked about on here before. It was one of the best steps I could have taken.
The hustle paid off…
As of now I have two shows lined up for this fall and winter. My only problems at this point are finding projects I can audition for that don’t conflict with my current contracts~ what an AMAZING PROBLEM TO HAVE, how grateful I am!
Who knows what lies ahead… these things always come in waves. I am hopeful, yet realistic, about what is to come. I will continue the hustle and I’m ready for the next challenge.
A year ago this week I was deflated, angry and hopeless. Now I’m inspired, content, and optimistic… what a difference a year makes.
Nine years ago today I moved to NYC for the first time.
Have you done the math?
I moved away two months later, for many reasons. None of which had to do with living in NYC. In fact, after the brief amount of time I was here, I realized how much I loved this place and how beautiful this city, and it’s residents, can be. For all of the negative feelings, costs, and lingering affects that brief time had, I have to look at the positives. I moved away for work and to find more of it, but I always knew I wanted to come back.
Here I am, nine years later, getting ready to start rehearsals for my first off-Broadway show on Monday. I am so grateful and blessed to be living here again and doing what I love in this city.
And, here is the kicker… drum roll please… I will be starting rehearsals for my SECOND off-Broadway show the week after I close my first one. I have multitudes of blessings that have been poured on me and I cannot tell you how humbled and a little awe-struck I still am. Will wonders never cease…
A part of me has been thinking a lot about the time when I first moved here and about how there is something that will always be missing, physically and emotionally. Sometimes that makes me very sad.
Sometimes the hardest lessons learned are the ones we need the most to move forward as individuals and as a society.
I’m not sure where we are now, but I’m also not sure it’s so important to quantify where that place is, either. Sometimes the best way to understand something is to give it time. But how much time, who knows?
What I do know is that I am thankful for the present, grateful and humbled by the past, and I still have high hopes for the future. Yes, there are are missing pieces to the puzzle, but, that only makes it more of a challenge, not impossible.
This is my first fall in New York in that nine years. There are still missing pieces, but I’m finding news ones to add every day…. and I think that’s promising too.
First of all, thank you.
Secondly, okay, I get it, having patience is the game.
Who would have known that a 10 minute meeting, seven years ago, would lead to this? Well, I guess you knew that, or at least knew of it’s potential. And, I guess, in some ways, I did too, since I sought out the meeting in the first place. Or, maybe I had hoped it could happen and over the years my faith in that hope had worn away. However, it’s good to be reminded of how you work sometimes. It’s a reminder to myself that patience is an important virtue to hold on to for as long as I can.
It is amazing, how you work. A chance meeting or a coffee or tea with a friend can lead to something remarkable down the road. A few words exchanged about “wouldn’t that be cool/nice/fun/neat/inspiring” and wham, years later you lay it out right there in front us. It’s as if you took the note at the time and just waited a few years to make it happen. Which I guess makes sense, with all of the requests you’ve got coming your way there are bound to be delays.
So again, thank you.
These thoughts have been going through my head for the last four days now… I needed to get them out.
I’ve been waiting on this post, because I couldn’t quite believe what was happening until today, when I held the contract in my hands. I was offered an off-Broadway show.
Remember that audition I felt crappy about, yes that one, and then I got the callback… well I booked it. I booked that damn job and will be doing my first equity contract in NYC, this winter. I can’t wait! I am so excited/lucky/terrified.
All I have to say is, keep going. Keep moving forward, keep getting out there. Whether it’s your career or your personal life, keep trying. It comes when you least expect it. Like the worst audition you’ve ever had in your life. Then, there it is, lurking in the corner… opportunity.