Sometimes I don’t make the best choices. When asked if I want the red pill or the blue pill…. I’ll ask for both.

I’ve found myself rather listless recently. This always leads to bad decisions.

Friday night was a blurry mist of some family, some friends, some strangers, well vodka, and four different bars. It was shameful in many ways, even if there were a few good moments. Saturday was not a good day.

I had drinks with a guy I met recently tonight. It wasn’t a “date”. We just wanted to get to know each other a little better over a few drinks. He is certainly a nice enough guy. He’s cute, sweet, and very funny. I found myself imagining how I would fit into his life as we talked. Then other things started popping out a little more clearly as he spoke…. he’s a drug addict, he was a former (possibly current) go-go boy, he was a former and somewhat current believer in demons and numerology… etc, etc, etc.

This gave me pause.

As one could imagine.

But what really gave me pause was my willingness to see where I could fit into HIS life. I think I look at everyone that way when I meet a potential mate. Instead of wondering how another person could fit into my life and if we could fit in each others lives. This may seem elementary to most people, but this was a big discovery for me.

“How am I not myself?”, a great question I often ask myself. These actions over the last few weeks are the actions of a person who is missing something in his life. I am clearly missing something. I’ve been feeling that for a while now. This situation is not something I need to fix right now, even though that’s precisely what I’ve been trying to do. It’s not a position that needs to be filled by another person, or an emotion that needs to be studied at length and understood. It’s just a hole, maybe a little larger than I initially thought, that is going to take some time to heal.

I can’t fuck anyone to make this feeling go away.

A new person is not going to change it.

A new situation won’t enlighten it.

Any outward search for something tangible is an exercise in futility.

This is an inner path that I need to take on my own.

This is the first Valentine’s Day I have been on my own in 8 years. It’s an arbitrary day that has not had a lot of meaning in my life. There are only two ACTUAL Valentine’s Days that have any meaning to me: 1993, my first with a girlfriend, and 2007, my first with a boyfriend. Interesting, I just put that together as I was writing.

So…

This Valentines Day is for me. As difficult as that may be.

Today I celebrate my new awareness, my limitless possibilities, my recognition of bad choices, and my ability to forgive myself for them.

Happy Valentine’s Day Tumblr.